With the amount of stress we experience on a daily basis, it’s no surprise our relationships are impacted to some degree. It’s an unfortunate myth that you have to be contemplating a divorce or otherwise ending your relationship to seek couples therapy. When individuals wait until their relationships have reached this point, it can be very challenging to repair the damage that’s been done. Instead, it’s advised you seek professional assistance as soon as it becomes a theme or common occurrence that arguments aren’t coming to a resolution that leaves both individuals involved feeling satisfied. You can also seek couples therapy to simply increase insight and awareness into your emotions and experiences as a couple. Now what exactly can you accomplish with increased awareness?

1.     Improve Communication: This is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy—they notice conflict surrounding their communication styles. We enter into relationships with an array of individual experiences and different family dynamics and cultural/racial backgrounds, so you can imagine this leads to different ways of expressing and communicating wants and needs. We become accustomed to interacting and speaking in a particular way, but it might not sit well with our partner. You might find that you say one thing, but your partner hears something completely different. You’re not alone if this is happening in your relationship and there is definitely hope! As psychologists, we can help bridge this gap in communication by clarifying what is said and how the other person is receiving it. We also provide alternative ways of expressing your emotions so that your partner has an easier time receiving your communication without defenses being engaged. And even if emotions become elevated and unkind words (that we don’t truly mean) are exchanged during an argument, all is not lost.  Acknowledgement of your hurtful words, expressions that reflect your true feelings, and genuine apologies can adequately address your partner’s feelings and diminish unwanted consequences that could result from these heated exchanges.

2.     Intimacy: An important aspect of every romantic relationship is intimacy (physical and emotional) between partners. It’s not uncommon for couples to notice varying levels of intimacy over time, potentially leaving one or both individuals feeling unfulfilled. Everyday stress, hormonal changes, life transitions, and overall mental well-being tend to play major roles in one’s desire for closeness. While your sex life is important to explore, intimacy goes beyond sex and includes various forms of touch (holding hands, cuddling, hugs, massages), as well as verbal expressions of love and affection. As psychologists, we help clients navigate changes in their intimacy and examine the factors responsible in order to increase intimacy to a desired level. Emotional intimacy is often overlooked when discussing this topic, but it is a crucial and necessary competent to keep in mind. Just like with communication styles, we tend to have different intimacy needs and seek their fulfillment in a variety of ways. This is where concepts like the 5 Love Languages (learn more here: https://5lovelanguages.com/) are important to examine, because most partners will not have identical ways of showing and receiving affection. We help couples understand their own, as well as each other’s love language(s) and facilitate expression of what is meaningful to the needs of each individual and the couple as a whole. When an individual has difficulty with emotional closeness, there are usually reasons behind this (trauma, defense mechanism, avoidance of emotions, etc.), and we can help to uncover those barriers to increase feeling more connected with your partner.

3.    Parenting: As mentioned above, life transitions, such as childbirth and raising a family can be a great deal of stress! A significant portion of a couple’s dynamics, lifestyle, and routine can change upon having a tiny, third person enter this pre-existing relationship. It’s common for new parents to experience an increase in arguments and conflict as they adjust to their new responsibilities and roles—especially as parenting styles are explored. At the risk of sounding redundant, how couples handle parenting is often highly indicative of their upbringing and childhood experiences. This is because, unless we’ve worked on ourselves, we tend to behave in the manner that was most modeled for us. You might have found yourself saying you’ll never be like your parent(s) and notice that you have more in common with them than you previously believed. We often see that couples have different perspectives on discipline, or that one parent falls into the role as the disciplinarian while the other is seen as the more “fun” parent. This divide can lead to more problems between the child and parent as well as between the adults. Parents ideally share these responsibilities and function as a unit for the child/children. Rather than being at odds with one another, therapy provides a space for couples to grow together in their roles and find support from each other. We also address self-care and coping skills for parents as they have less time for themselves with the increased responsibility.

4.    Rebuilding Trust: We know that trust is one of the building blocks of a relationship and when it is broken or damaged in a romantic relationship, it can grow into distance and unhappiness. Infidelity can be incredibly complicated to navigate without the help of a couple’s therapist who provides a safe space for both partners. After an incident(s) of infidelity, the “betrayed” partner often has questions and increased doubts about their partner’s feelings. We often hear the betrayed partner wanting to check their partner’s phone/email and keep a close eye on them in order to regain trust. Even if the partner agrees to phone monitoring, it only provides a sense of trust that doesn’t really fix the underlying issue. In couples therapy, we work toward healing the wound without engaging in these impulses. We also believe in providing a safe and non-judgmental space for each individual to express his or her feelings, as it is common for the individual who was unfaithful to feel they will be judged upon beginning couples therapy. Rebuilding trust takes time and it can’t happen if one or both partners are rushing the process.

These are just a few of the more common reasons couples seek therapy, and there are many other important topics (polyamory, difficulty conceiving/IVF experiences, inter-racial relationships) that can be addressed in psychotherapy sessions. We have experience working with a diverse range of issues and populations, so if you are curious about how we can help you, contact us using the form on our website.